Night Thoughts
by Monsieur Mimi
Summary: A piece on Evil-Riff as he contemplates who he was and who he has become


My 16th fanfiction 

(I don't know why I put this at the beginning of every fanfic I do. It's just nice to mark progression! Lol)

**Author's Note**: This story is about Evil-Riff. It could be set any time after 'Count/Earl Cain God Child, Volume 6'. Now, if you've been following God Child (and if you've been following my Volumes think Volume 6), you'll know that Evil-Riff (or the "real Riff") comes back when Alexis reawakens him. That is a huge spoiler, and this fic is chocked full of spoilers for God Child. I've never read a fanfic about Evil-Riff, and Riff is definitely my favourite character, and my third favourite manga character EVER. Evil-Riff is very interesting to write about, but because the arc and the conclusion of Count/Earl Cain have yet to come, none of us really know what he is feeling. This is just my take on it. Warning, if you have an aversion to angst, I'd not advise you to read. Very small hints towards the Riff/Cain relationship.

I also apologize for the badness of this fic. It's really awful. So please be honest with your reviews, should I ever decide to tackle Riff's alter ego again.

The stars/asterix thingies separate when Riff is thinking, or remembering, or dreaming. I did this because something odd happened and not all of the italics worked. I hope it doesn't make it confusing.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Count/Earl Cain (God-Child). I do not own Riff (Riffel Raffit), Cain Hargreaves, Alexis Hargreaves or the Raffit Family. They all belong to Kaori Yuki, Hakusensha, Hana to Yume comics etc. This is a piece of fiction written by a fan, and I make no profit. Rated PG, it is mild in content (no bad language or violence), and mainly angsty.

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Night Thoughts 

*******

"Riff! Riff!"

Riff started. "Master…Master Cain!" 

But Riff was speaking words that were not coming from his lips. They formed, and they were spoken by a person named Riff, but… they were not his will… not him. It was almost like he was wearing an invisible mask, almost suffocating… but somehow comforting. 

The lean, handsome face looked up at him, with something resembling panic. His eyes shone, a beautiful brown, almost tickled with a soft gold. They were captivating. Something drove this false him to look at them. He had never seen such beautiful… delicate… eyes.

Master Cain. 

… What was he thinking? Why was he still calling him by that title? Surely he meant Cain Hargreaves? In his false life he had called him "Master Cain" but that was gone now. He was himself again. But the mask was speaking and thinking for him. The mask of the life he had once lived.

"Riff…" There was relief in the other's voice. "Riff, you're here…"

"I've always been here, Master Cain"

Riff's lips were touched with a smile.

Cain wrapped his arms around Riff's chest. He pressed his cheek against Riff's jacket. His hands clutched at the material of Riff's clothing almost like little trembling claws. Riff looked around. He could not even make out their surroundings. All he knew was that he was false, like a remnant of the past, and Cain was clinging to him.

"I was really worried, Riff. I found your cage. But it was all broken. Pulled apart almost like an animal had attacked it. I was crying and I wanted you. And I ran and ran through the darkness. I tripped and fell, and it hurt, but I carried on running. And I found you. You were waiting for me. I… I found you"

Cain babbled speaking almost as if he was a 10 year old, rushing his words, his voice high and upset. Riff reached up a long elegant hand and stroked Cain's dark hair.

This time, Riff was aware of a small bird in the background, watching them with beady eyes.

"It's alright… Master… Cain"

And now he managed to, inexplicably, and suddenly, gain control and a grip of his thoughts. It didn't happen rationally, it was almost like someone had snapped their fingers, and the blurry haze of his thoughts came whole again. He pushed Cain away. Cain's eyes looked wounded.

"Earl of poison…" Riff whispered. His voice barely carried.

He reached out with his hands, almost longingly, and wrapped his arms around Cain's slender neck, tightly and firmly. He heard Cain rasp. And Riff smiled.

"You are so much like your father… Earl of poison… Cain…"

*

The darkness quickly and without warning, formed shapes and objects, formed new shadows and lights. Riff was on a hard mattress, the moonlight streaming unbidden from a small window. He realized that he had sat bolt upright, and that his whole body pulsed with sickly and sticky sweat. His heart thundered in his chest. But quickly, he eased himself away from his shock. It wasn't the first time he had dreamt like this.

His face set in its usual grim and stone-like expression; he pushed away the rough sheets, feeling the beating pulse of the cool night air. He had not asked much about his lodgings. Alexis had given them to him, and he was fine. A small bedroom on one of the middle floors in a large house, with a private bathroom. He didn't have any possessions… well none of any real importance, and used his lodgings simply to sleep and bathe.

He slid off his bed. His throat was dry. The monotone of his basic thoughts informed him he should get water. He slipped his feet into dark black slippers that rested by his bed. He stood, towering at a high height, lean and elegant rather than gangly. He crossed the small space to his bedroom door and pushed it open, fumbling around in the dim light before he got to a bathroom. He had no need for lamps, as the moon was full, cradling her light borrowed from the sun, and sending it through the windows, giving the areas eerie blue and white tones.

Once in the bathroom, he grabbed a glass cup resting on a shelf over the sink, and brought it to the tap. The water was not particularly cold, and he had doubts about how clean it was, but he didn't care. He drained it, feeling the liquid wash down his throat. He had no cares about details now. Ever since he had been released from his hypnosis, ever since Alexis had reawakened him, life became no longer about living it, but staying alive.

He placed the glass down again. Satisfied that his thirst was now quenched, he stumbled back into the room containing his bed, and sat on the bed's edge.

The dream was the same each night. Not a line changed. Not a sight changed. And yet each night it was as new to him as if he were seeing it for the first time. Especially those eyes tickled with gold. How they looked at him, almost desperately dependent on him… it always confused him and intrigued him.

Of course, Riff was no idiot. He knew what his dreams were. When he woke up his thoughts sharpened into clarity. For many years, he had been living as a different person. He had put himself to sleep, all the thoughts he now had disappeared entirely, building on false memory. He had become a new false person, with a loving mask. He had no idea that these were lies. His past had been twisted. And he had loved. Loved a young Earl. Cain Hargreaves.

But maybe that romanticized it almost too much. Riff was a logical man. Sentiment meant nothing to him, which was partly why these dreams disturbed him so. He knew that Alexis had made the new Riff to get close to Cain, to provide Cain with somebody to love and trust… and then to have that person snatched away from him, in the most vicious way possible… that had been the intent of his father. And Alexis had kept his promise. Though the person, the alter-Riff that he had become, would have been horrified with the thought… he had awakened. He had abandoned Cain and fled back to Cain's father, Alexis. Alexis, who had woken him from the blissful dream.

*

But it's not like Alexis woke you fully, did he? You're still a loyal dog, whimpering at it's master's heels… And you always will be… 

*

And there was another reason… another difficulty that shook him and disturbed him deeply. It fascinated him and it terrified him at the same time. The person he had become, the experiences and feelings he had had while resting in his body, the memories…they had not disappeared from his persona. It made him feel dirty. Like he had been touched by some filth that he could not wash. His hands stained. He had lived as the other for too long, and now… and now… he had been tainted. Tainted by what he had become. And he was no longer sure of himself. He no longer knew who he was supposed to be, if he was even the same man as he had been before he had fallen into that blissful sleep and had become Cain's beloved butler. The memories were almost like beautiful daydreams, haunting him.

Riff lay back on his bed, breathing deeply.

And why… why had those dreams been so blissful? Where he was another man… with another life… where he had experienced love, when he had truly lived for the first time, caring for the Earl Hargreaves? Caring for his Master Cain?

It was terrifying to admit… but sometimes he longed to become that man again. Or maybe he was still that man, and he had always been. He could no longer tell. He had had such a sense of purpose… such a sense of belonging… And maybe now all he needed was a sense of self. Of being someone. Of having a role.

The barks of a dog echoed deeply into the resonating night. 

Of course, he could keep his worries deep down. Normally, except for when the dreams struck him, he barely thought of them. But those few times… those times when, with Alexis, he had seen Cain… he had seen once more those beautiful golden tinged eyes, now strangely more hollow and empty, the memories had taken him, and so had the feelings of the man he had become. Normally this didn't even bother him… but rare moments like when he saw Cain, or when he had the dreams, those rare moments of clarity… when Alexis was now with him giving him orders… it was startling how real everything became.

And was the he that existed now just another facet of the beloved Hargreaves Butler? Cain's beloved Riff? He took orders, just like Cain's Riff, except he took them from another man. From Cain's father. His Master Alexis.

He longed to rip it out of him. Those memories. Painful to behold. He wasn't sure whether he should despise the man that he had been when with Cain, or wish him back. And he wasn't sure he was either of the two people he could have been. The original him, the one that had heartlessly killed his own family, was not the him now, but neither was the kind and gentle dream-like him, who had held Cain so tenderly, and cared for him constantly. They had almost merged to become a new and painful person, almost devoid of any emotion. A puppet or a pawn, on a giant chessboard.

His thoughts hurt him, they were a confusing tangle. He sank back further into the pillows that provided him with no comfort, the sweat finally starting to slowly dry and drain from his skin. He shut his eyes, and allowed himself to be enveloped in the darkness.

And for the first time, he willingly sought out memories from that time…

*

Riff looked through the doorway to Cain's bedroom. He had heard a smash there a few seconds ago as he had been walking down the halls, and he had instantly ran anxiously to check the room.

The sun shone down through the large extravagant windows, lighting up a large bedroom, with a made bed. There was a desk filled with various bottles labeled with various names of poison and there were also books on poison and a small delicate microscope. One bottle lay on its side, dripping onto the floor, where a big puddle was. It was a dark, ugly colour, and it smelt horrible.

Kneeling beside the puddle on the floor was the unmistakable then 15-year-old figure of Cain. His dark hair fell in his eyes as he desperately tried to pad at the puddle with damp cloth, cursing quietly under his breath. He looked so small and delicate then, and so idiotic doing something so trivial in his grand clothes, that Riff almost laughed.

"Master Cain…" He stepped into the room. "Why don't you get me or one of the other servants to clear up this…" He looked at the slipped bottle, "this poison that you spilt?"

Cain snapped his head up; looking a little alarmed as Riff knelt down and pulled out a handkerchief from an inner pocket to help clean up the mess. "Riff!" he said, his voice panicked. "Be careful! I didn't get anyone to do this for me because this poison is one of the worst sorts! It's completely deadly… don't touch it!"

Riff did as he was told. 

Cain sighed heavily. "In about five minutes I'll tackle it again. If you want to, you can put on gloves too and help. I spilt it; you see…" he motioned to the desk, even though it was slightly obvious that he had spilt it. "But we'll take a break for five minutes, right?" Cain stood, walked over to his bed and sat on it.

"Of course, Master Cain. Would you like me to make some tea?"

Cain closed his eyes, frowning slightly, almost like he had a headache. He shook his head. "No, Riff… just sit next to me"

Riff awkwardly sat next to Cain on the edge of the bed. Cain let out a ragged breath, and leant slightly against Riff. Riff immediately wrapped his left arm around Cain and pulled him closer. Cain's cheek was pressed against Riff's side.

"Master Cain… what's wrong? Is anything the matter?"

Cain was quiet for a moment, and Riff thought that he had ignored him. Then Cain said. "It's been a long day, Riff"

Riff knew there was something Cain wasn't telling him. But Cain rarely talked about what upset him, and when he did, he would only talk to Riff briefly. Normally, when Cain was upset, he was thinking of his father. But Riff didn't press it. Riff pulled his other, right arm, around Cain and pulled him into a close embrace. "Do you want to rest, Master Cain?"

Once again, Cain paused. And then, his face pressed against Riff's chest, he gave a muffled nod.

Cain fell asleep in Riff's arms, and Riff silently cleaned the poison from the floor by himself.

Later, Riff sat on a chair beside Cain's bed, and fell asleep watching his young master's slumber.

*

Riff's eyes opened. A wave of frustration and self-anger threw itself through him. Why was he bringing back memories of such trivial matters? And why was he bringing back the ghosts of who he was? He was supposedly gone, disappeared from this world. 

And yet… Riff could feel him inside of him.

And he knew why. Whenever he saw those eyes… thought of those eyes… beautiful, touched with gold… he was reminded of everything that he was. Everything that he had become… and it haunted him. Reminded him of how mixed he was. Of how he was no longer a person, but a tool, mindlessly taking orders with no care for anyone. It reminded him of how worthless he was. How sometimes… like when he had first awakened into his dream of false memories and felt the guilt of the deaths of his family… sometimes he just wished he could…

What was the only certain thing now in his mind, was that, in order to retain at least a trace of sanity, and a sense of self, he could no longer be both the Riffs of the past, merged and controlled as a new robotic-like person. He had to choose. He had to go back to one. And he could no longer go back to the dream of Riff, who gently smiled with love, and served his master. The Riff who embraced his master into his arms. The Riff who loved his master wholly and without exception…

*

I broke his heart

*

He shook off the thought, shuddering almost as if ice had fallen over him.

No. It was not possible, even if he wanted too, which he was not sure he did, to become that man again. And the other, the callous Riff, who was entirely sure of everything he did, if Master Alexis or Delilah ordered him to do it he'd do it… the only thing that was stopping him, the man he had been so many years ago, from being released… was Cain. Cain was a constant reminder of who he had once been. He was the only thing that brought the memory of who he had turned into back…

*

If I don't kill Cain… my soul will shrivel away and die. Because it's lost.

*

He buried his face in his pillow. 

He wanted to go back to those dreams.

*

"Riff? Riff? I know what it means now! When your cage got broken, you got lost… do you want me to find you again?"

- FIN -


End file.
